There's probably going to be an issue with food. They might eat too much, or eat too little, or hoard food, or sneak it out of the garbage can at night.
So we weren't shocked on day one when we gave K a banana and he carried it around for two hours. He wouldn't let us throw it out, but he wouldn't eat it either. Thank God for a petting farm, it was a big enough distraction that we could toss it.
It only took the weekend to figured out his thing is not eating, unless it's a favorite (and the list is short).
I've been making an effort not to draw battle lines over what he eats, it's not worth it in these early days. But I've also been balancing that with the concept that kids need boundaries, they need an adult to be in charge, and there are some issues that a 4 year old just shouldn't self pilot....and of course there is the whole poop issue.
Enter the bologna dilemma.
K seems to like bologna. We don't usually have it in the house (I don't think it's actually food) but he asked for it, and it's a good "meet you in the middle" food. He happily ate it a few times last week.
This morning he ate about 1/2 a cup of Sugar Crisp (don't judge, we're trying to diversify into the world of cereal here). At noon I gave him a small dinner bun with bologna and cheese on it. He didn't want to eat it. He rolled the bun into tiny bits and stuck the cheese to his cup. I'm not sure he really likes bread or cheese, so I threw it out but asked that he eat his bologna.
He dug his heels in. He was not eating it. He rolled it into tiny little bits, and let it bake in the sun.
So, I decided to do part one of "the food issue" mountain today. I knew he was probably hungry, I knew that he likes bologna, it was only 1/2 a piece and I have all day. I checked out my motives (it wasn't about a power struggle, I want him to be healthy and poop regularly), figured this was as good a time as any to let him learn that he is not in total control of what is served and when, and gave him a fresh 1/2 piece of bologna.
K paraded out all of what must be his usual "this'll get me what I want" tricks. We did tears, logical (bologna is yucky) and illogical (it's too red) arguments, gagging, yelling. Every trick he had. I just smiled at him and asked him to eat the bologna.
I wondered more than once if it was worth it, but he needs to eat more than just yogurt and scrambled eggs right? And it's a food he likes and he's hungry right? There is value in learning to eat when it's time to eat, it happens every day in school right? (Oh yes...that is self doubt....)
Anyway, he had to eat it before he could have a cookie, and he had to eat it before he could go outside and play with the boys. It took over an hour, but in the end, he ate it.
The whole time I was worried that I might be damaging the trust we've built up this week. That it wasn't worth it because he would feel unloved. It's a careful balance that doesn't have the same common denominators as you have with your own family. I hope that deep within my kids bones they have the, "I'll always be here for you", "You can trust me", "I love you", soundtrack playing. But foster kids don't have that history with me. At the moment I'm just a stranger making him eat bologna.
About 10 minutes after he left the table, K brought me in a flower he'd picked for me outside. Later he sat happily down at the table for dinner. He didn't eat much, but I wasn't doing another chapter in "the food issue" today. He would have liked to have dessert, but managed to live with the "no dinner, no dessert" rule.
I think we'll be alright. And maybe, just maybe in a few months this post will seem like a life time ago.
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