Broken Families Aren't Easy for Kids

Perhaps I'm feeling over emotional because our adoption has moved so much this week, and I've spent so much time thinking about family....but I don't think so.

Some days it's really hard to watch kids in foster care struggle through being away from their family.  They don't control one single variable in the situation, they just have to ride the wave of what's happening and cope with it.

Even if their family is broken.  Even if their foster family loves them and provides stability and routine.  Kids aren't designed to be away from their family and it can really stress them out.

Our little guy seems to be coping with the stress by planking.  I have no idea where the behaviour came from (he sure hasn't seen us planking...ever), but that's what he's doing.  It's better than temper tantrums anyway.

One cute story:
K is usually pretty worried about the menu for dinner.  While we are cooking he hovers to check out what will be served.  Not surprisingly his biggest concern is the vegetables.  Steve likes to 'torture' K by telling him we're eating chicken beaks, elephant trunks and dog brains.
One night last week carrots were the vegetable of choice for supper.  K dug his heels in and wasn't going to eat them.  There is no way I'm doing vegetable battles when life is so unsettled for K, but I also don't want to back off being a parent.  He needs me to be predictable and reliable.  So I gave him a choice, you can eat your carrots, or you can have a piece of lettuce from the salad.  He looked at Steve and said, "Can I have a chicken beak?"  Zero vegetables were eaten by K that night.

I think K will head home in the next week, but there isn't a guarantee that that's what will happen.  And just to make it a little more interesting, the older kids will be watching K this week because Steve and I are gone for a conference.  And then we're headed to Haiti for 2 weeks.  Nothing like a little lack of routine to help a kid through a tough time.

A day in court

Today was the day that K's case went to court.  I waited all day for a phone call from a worker, but didn't get one.

So, my guess is K is not going home today.

His Mom called tonight and let me know what happened in court.  I 'm not sure if the info was 100% reliable, but perhaps K will go home in the next few days.

I hope a worker calls tomorrow to fill me in.  Sheesh, what's a girl gotta do to get some information around here.  Seriously, a phone call only takes 90 seconds.

I'm not too torn up about it, it's an extra day or two for us to enjoy this little guy.

Quick Update :)

I had planned to sit down and write a post about K on Thursday night, and then we got super busy with our adoption.  So, for those of you who are interested in this little guy's story I'll give you a quick update.

I was going to let you know that K has been in a bit of a melt down mode.  The kids like to say he's like Smeagol/Gollum.  Just imagine how a 4 year old would do a Lord of the Rings impression, and throw in some tears.  That's a K melt down.

His Mom has been talking to him a lot about the possibility that he might go home this week, and it's got K in a dither.  His poor little self can't take the stress.  We're working on damage control.  And not worrying about a lot of things that aren't make or break it.

It's also looking like he may not go to his kin home next week, it may be the week after.

For a while, I was hoping for the extra week with us (I know, that's rotten and selfish...but there it is folks, I can be rotten and selfish), but now I hope he goes home this week.

Steve, Nathan and I are heading to Haiti on December 7th for our adoption (see my other blog :) and this has turned into a whirlwind of a week, and I feel bad that K is here during such a chaotic time.  Even though it's happy chaos, it's extra emotions for him...and he already wasn't coping well.

He's being doing a new thing lately...planking.  You know, lying you your stomach and lifting your head and feet?   Yup, it seems to be related to being stressed out, but I'm not sure, perhaps I'm reading too much into this?  I have found him planking quite a few times this week.  In the front hallway, in his bedroom.  The kid's going to have abs of steel.

Ok...gotta go, I'll let you know what happens in court this week.

A thing about paper towels...

K has a weird thing with noises.  Any big noise gets him a little worked up.  Unexpected noise is the worst, but even predictable noises are enough to scare him.  

So, he doesn't like hand dryers in public bathrooms, and asks to use the paper towels.

I think somewhere in his 4 year old mind, he mixed up an aversion to the hand dryers with a love for paper towels.  And we have been on a paper towel odyssey ever since.  

Every office we visit, every time we go to church, he asks to go to the bathroom, and asks if they have paper towels.  He talks about the dispensers, likes to talk about the colour of the paper towel.....you get the idea.

This has given rise to two entertaining stories :)

Last week I took K to an early morning appointment.  As soon as we arrived at the office he asked, "Is there a bathroom?  Does it have paper towels?"  He'd gone to the bathroom right before we left, so I knew he didn't have to go, and said, "We're not going to the bathroom".  (He can hold his pee for hours and hours...)  He asked again, "Is there a bathroom? Does it have paper towels?".  I said, "Yes, there's a bathroom, it probably has paper towels, but we're not going, you just went".  He looked at me, with a straight face and said, "I have a problem."

Love it.  Such ingenuity :)  I didn't let him go to the bathroom immediately, but we did go to the bathroom before we left.  Creativity shouldn't go unrewarded.

And the love for paper towels continues....

Yesterday K spilled his drink at the table.  I asked him to go grab a towel to clean it up.  He said, "I'll get a paper towel".  I asked him to get the towel that was hanging on the stove.  He walked to the stove but couldn't find it.

In this photo, you'll see K looking longingly at the paper towels.  Unable to find the towel on the stove

So I asked him to take a step closer and put out his left hand. (He's pretty good at left and right :)

The left hand went behind the back...he still couldn't find the towel.

I asked him to take a step closer, and to put out his left hand.  His left hand stayed behind his back, but he did put out his right hand in a half hearted attempt to trick me.  He still couldn't see the towel.  He asked for a paper towel to clean up the mess.

I carefully described the towel, white, with a goose on it, green stripes, red outline.... he couldn't see it.... he still needed a paper towel... (do you love that you can see him looking at it here?)

The left hand was starting to sneak out in this photo...after he touched it, he could find it.  He was a little disappointed though, no paper towel needed.

This stuff cracks me up.  You will be impressed to know that I didn't laugh outloud.  You should also be very impressed that I thought to grab my phone and take these pics.  Or else you wouldn't believe that for over 60 seconds K stood inches away from a towel that he couldn't see.

All for the love of paper towels.

Oh ya....and today he asked to use the hand dryer at church.  (Just to keep me guessing :)

An update from the country

There is a hard and fast rule about kids in care, and the rule is....no two placements will ever be the same.  There isn't a step by step order that things will take.  Each story unfolds differently. K's is unfolding quickly, and I feel like we are in the last chapters of our story with him.  

One of the options for kids who can't be cared for by their parents is to go into a 'kin' placement. A placement with a family member.  That is what the CAS is considering for K.

So in two weeks the CAS will present the idea to a judge, and the judge will most likely agree with the plan.  It's very likely K will be leaving our home in the next little bit.

It's a big deal for a little kid to move, and normally I'd do a lot of prep work with them to be sure they were ready to go.  

But this move is a little different, because there is a chance that not everything will be in place, or the judge will see something he wants added to the plan, and K could stay with us for a little longer.

Whenever I talk to K about it, I have to talk about it two ways.  You might or might not be moving in two weeks.  I don't want to build up his hopes for something that isn't 100%, but I also don't want to say good-bye in an hour.  (If the judge agrees with the kin placement, K could move the same afternoon).

My plan is to work on a 'life book' (which is an expectation if you're a foster parent) and have it ready to go with him if he moves.  Something with pictures of his time with us, and a little note from everyone to say goodbye.  Then if we don't the time for good closure, he'll have something to look at that says good-bye.

And then we just enjoy each little moment with him until then.  We knew for sure that K would only be with us for a while when he came, but this is faster turnaround than normal.  And to be honest, it has been easy to thoroughly enjoy to having him here with us, and that rarely happens.  

Sure there are moments of joy in every placement, but sometimes they are far and few between.  This time they hit us right between the eyes.   This time the difficult part will be the goodbye.  

A great chance to practice patience

Some parts of being a foster parent are easy.  Some parts are not as easy.

Being kind to biological parents can be one of the tough parts.  

These are the things I remind myself....

I had no control over what family I was born into.  If I had started life from a different position who knows where I'd be today.  

If someone else was watching my kids, I'd want them to be nice to me.

I want my interactions with people to be a good witness of what Jesus is like.

At some point in my life someone I love will probably have interactions with the CAS, and I want the people who deal with them to be kind.

This is what makes it hard....

Some people are hard to be nice too. 

Sometimes when someone is telling you something that you know is bull crap it's hard not to be all Dr. Phil.

When other people don't have good boundaries (like about how often to call etc) it's easy to get grumpy.

My solution?

Only answer the phone once a day.  

Only talk for 5 minutes and then make up a great reason to have to go.  

Remind myself that if I want to have contact with K if/when he goes home, that his Mom is my ticket.  

Consider myself lucky to have the opportunity to practice patience.  

Post script :)

K had a great weekend.  He has a lot of fun playing with the kids and Steve, and had lots of time to play the last couple days.

Big news (possibly) and a hearing test

K's worker called today.  It looks like a family member may be in a position to take K by the end of the month.

We won't know until the next court date at the end of November, and once the court date comes, he'll either move within a couple days, or he'll be with us for for another 3 months.

I'm really happy for him, it's way better for a kid to be raised in their family...and I'm sad for us, we've really enjoyed having him here.  It's good 'how not to wish for selfish things' practice.  We knew K would only be here for a 'short term' placement, but this could be shorter than most.  Either way, we have at least a couple more weeks.

I took K for a hearing test today.  Taking little kids for a hearing test is always entertaining and today was no different.  His hearing is fine :)

That sleep eating guy...

Yes the title is correct.

We once had a call to do relief for a weekend.  It was Friday at about 2, and the worker on the phone said she was desperate. (that's one way to make a girl feel special...only call when you're desperate).  We weren't on the relief list, but she called on the off chance that we'd say yes.  There was a 13 year old boy, who'd broken down his current foster placement....that's code for his current foster family insisted he be moved out today.... they gave a brief description of what had happened in his current home and let us know he had ADD and ODD.

I've learned a few things in my years of being a foster parent.  One thing is, be really clear about your expectations before you take an emergency weekend relief placement.  Especially clear about when and where on Monday you'll be dropping him off.

Sometimes if you're not careful a weekend emergency can stretch out much longer than a weekend.

Anyway, I got a name of a worker who would meet me Monday morning, so I said yes...he could stay with us for the weekend.  I mean, how bad could it be, he's just a kid right?

As he was being dropped off his worker mentioned that he had some sleep walking issues.  She failed to mention he had sleep eating issues.  Yup, when we woke up Saturday morning, there were open boxes of crackers on the counter, opened tupperware containers in the fridge, all sorts of food trash in his bedroom, and the piece de la resistance?  Steve's special birthday cake had been half eaten, the dirty plate was in the bedroom under the bed.  And the kid appeared to have no recollection how any of it happened.

What are you supposed to do?  It's not like we could ground him from eating all day, or make him pay for the groceries he'd ruined.  If he really was sleep eating the only option was to lock up whatever we could on Saturday night.  So we did.

Lots of kids have all sorts of diagnosis' and letters attached to their names.  I think this might be one of the most genuine cases of ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) I've ever seen.  We'd noticed almost immediately that if we told him to do something, he wouldn't.  `And figured out very quickly to give him a few options, all of which we could live with, and let him choose. (What would you like to do....have a shower now, have a shower after dinner or have a bath after dinner).  Somehow, we got him to church with us on Sunday morning.  Best part of the day?  Every one was standing to sing, except this guy, but I didn't care, we'd made it to church and we were mostly clean.  Once the singing was done the pastor announced, 'You may now be seated'.  Everybody sat, except our weekend visitor, he stood up as quick as he could, and remained standing for quite some time.  He was truly opposite man.  There are times when it is very nice that everyone around you knows you're a foster parent.

Monday morning rolled around, we'd made it, with backwards asking and depleted cupboards, but we'd made it.  I called the CAS to confirm I was on my way in.  They asked if I'd be able to keep him for a couple more days while they figured out his group home placement.  I said no, and dropped him off at 9:30 like we'd planned on Friday....then I went grocery shopping on my way home.

We're doing good :)

K is doing great.

He talks about his Mom just about everyday.  He really misses her.  Being away from your Mom must stink.  Especially when your four and you don't have a clue about what is happening.  We do our best to explain what foster care is to him, but he's four, and my guess is it makes no sense.

Despite that, he is a happy guy.  I thought about it today, and his little temper tantrums have just about stopped.  He is expressing his opinion, and gets mad and loud a few times a day, but it's a more 'normal' kind of behavior.

A quick story..............
The other day I asked K if he wanted to drive Will to work with me, or if he wanted to stay home.  He was thinking about it, and taking his sweet time answering, so I asked again, "Do you want to drive Will to work, or stay home?".  He said, "I'd like to drive Will to work, but which way do I turn?".

K has added some sunshine into our home.  He's giggly and silly, and some things are just more fun with a little guy around.  Steve, Nathan and K made an angry bird pumpkin....carving pumpkins is more fun when someone is squealing about squishy seeds.

So, we move ahead day by day, loving a little guy who will only be with us for a while.  Investing in someone who will most likely only have a fuzzy recollection of living with us.

K will either go home and live with his Mom, or he'll become a 'crown ward' and the CAS will look for a permanent home for him.  Those decisions have nothing to do with me.  How that plays out depends on his Mom, and it depends on the CAS, and it depends on a judge.  We aren't a long term option for K as we're already adopting, but we are his 'now'.

My job is the same regardless of the outcome.  To make sure that he feels as safe as possible, to help him make sense of his feelings and what's going on, to make sure he doesn't think this is his fault.  And to give him a hug and sing him a lullaby every night on his way to bed.