I think today is the day...

This has been a crazy week in foster parent land.

Three different dates have been discussed for K's possible return home. Today, end of next week, and after Christmas. Each suggested date comes with a whole new set of planning.  We've reworked our plan quite a few times this week!

At five o'clock last night, a worker left a message on my phone to say that today will likely be the day.

So we've packed up the toys, folded the cute little shirts into boxes, and started to say our goodbyes.

This sweet man has been pure sunshine and we will all miss him dearly. Even the teenage boys in the house have been sappy and cuddly.

Click here for a video of his lullaby, and in the spirit of confidentiality, we're rocking it like Star Wars. It doesn't loose any of the cute factor.

We've been given the privilege of loving, and with love comes a good-bye that stings.

Edited to add:  K did go home that afternoon.  He'd spent just under two months with us. We were pretty sure he'd be moving that day, so we picked up all the boys at lunch (K and our boys). We wanted to have one last nice afternoon together. We got a call at 2pm that he'd be picked up around 3pm.

We had one last hour with him to wrestle, sing our favorites, and say goodbye.

K's Mom, uncle, and worker came to the house to pick him up. It was a quick exit, and within 10 minutes the car was loaded, hugs had been given, and they were off.  The next day we bustled out the door to Haiti for two weeks.

Being a foster parent is not for the weak of heart. You sign up to love and nurture a child who is smack dab in the middle of a traumatic event. If I had to put a number to it, I'd say well over 75% of our placements have been hard. Hard to live with, hard to be nice to, hard to get through the day with.  So having this easy, sweet boy with us came as a surprise. We miss his easy laugh, his hilarious sense of humor, we miss singing about vegetables at dinner, we just miss him.

Broken Families Aren't Easy for Kids

Perhaps I'm feeling over emotional because our adoption has moved so much this week, and I've spent so much time thinking about family....but I don't think so.

Some days it's really hard to watch kids in foster care struggle through being away from their family.  They don't control one single variable in the situation, they just have to ride the wave of what's happening and cope with it.

Even if their family is broken.  Even if their foster family loves them and provides stability and routine.  Kids aren't designed to be away from their family and it can really stress them out.

Our little guy seems to be coping with the stress by planking.  I have no idea where the behaviour came from (he sure hasn't seen us planking...ever), but that's what he's doing.  It's better than temper tantrums anyway.

One cute story:
K is usually pretty worried about the menu for dinner.  While we are cooking he hovers to check out what will be served.  Not surprisingly his biggest concern is the vegetables.  Steve likes to 'torture' K by telling him we're eating chicken beaks, elephant trunks and dog brains.
One night last week carrots were the vegetable of choice for supper.  K dug his heels in and wasn't going to eat them.  There is no way I'm doing vegetable battles when life is so unsettled for K, but I also don't want to back off being a parent.  He needs me to be predictable and reliable.  So I gave him a choice, you can eat your carrots, or you can have a piece of lettuce from the salad.  He looked at Steve and said, "Can I have a chicken beak?"  Zero vegetables were eaten by K that night.

I think K will head home in the next week, but there isn't a guarantee that that's what will happen.  And just to make it a little more interesting, the older kids will be watching K this week because Steve and I are gone for a conference.  And then we're headed to Haiti for 2 weeks.  Nothing like a little lack of routine to help a kid through a tough time.

A day in court

Today was the day that K's case went to court.  I waited all day for a phone call from a worker, but didn't get one.

So, my guess is K is not going home today.

His Mom called tonight and let me know what happened in court.  I 'm not sure if the info was 100% reliable, but perhaps K will go home in the next few days.

I hope a worker calls tomorrow to fill me in.  Sheesh, what's a girl gotta do to get some information around here.  Seriously, a phone call only takes 90 seconds.

I'm not too torn up about it, it's an extra day or two for us to enjoy this little guy.

Quick Update :)

I had planned to sit down and write a post about K on Thursday night, and then we got super busy with our adoption.  So, for those of you who are interested in this little guy's story I'll give you a quick update.

I was going to let you know that K has been in a bit of a melt down mode.  The kids like to say he's like Smeagol/Gollum.  Just imagine how a 4 year old would do a Lord of the Rings impression, and throw in some tears.  That's a K melt down.

His Mom has been talking to him a lot about the possibility that he might go home this week, and it's got K in a dither.  His poor little self can't take the stress.  We're working on damage control.  And not worrying about a lot of things that aren't make or break it.

It's also looking like he may not go to his kin home next week, it may be the week after.

For a while, I was hoping for the extra week with us (I know, that's rotten and selfish...but there it is folks, I can be rotten and selfish), but now I hope he goes home this week.

Steve, Nathan and I are heading to Haiti on December 7th for our adoption (see my other blog :) and this has turned into a whirlwind of a week, and I feel bad that K is here during such a chaotic time.  Even though it's happy chaos, it's extra emotions for him...and he already wasn't coping well.

He's being doing a new thing lately...planking.  You know, lying you your stomach and lifting your head and feet?   Yup, it seems to be related to being stressed out, but I'm not sure, perhaps I'm reading too much into this?  I have found him planking quite a few times this week.  In the front hallway, in his bedroom.  The kid's going to have abs of steel.

Ok...gotta go, I'll let you know what happens in court this week.

A thing about paper towels...

K has a weird thing with noises.  Any big noise gets him a little worked up.  Unexpected noise is the worst, but even predictable noises are enough to scare him.  

So, he doesn't like hand dryers in public bathrooms, and asks to use the paper towels.

I think somewhere in his 4 year old mind, he mixed up an aversion to the hand dryers with a love for paper towels.  And we have been on a paper towel odyssey ever since.  

Every office we visit, every time we go to church, he asks to go to the bathroom, and asks if they have paper towels.  He talks about the dispensers, likes to talk about the colour of the paper towel.....you get the idea.

This has given rise to two entertaining stories :)

Last week I took K to an early morning appointment.  As soon as we arrived at the office he asked, "Is there a bathroom?  Does it have paper towels?"  He'd gone to the bathroom right before we left, so I knew he didn't have to go, and said, "We're not going to the bathroom".  (He can hold his pee for hours and hours...)  He asked again, "Is there a bathroom? Does it have paper towels?".  I said, "Yes, there's a bathroom, it probably has paper towels, but we're not going, you just went".  He looked at me, with a straight face and said, "I have a problem."

Love it.  Such ingenuity :)  I didn't let him go to the bathroom immediately, but we did go to the bathroom before we left.  Creativity shouldn't go unrewarded.

And the love for paper towels continues....

Yesterday K spilled his drink at the table.  I asked him to go grab a towel to clean it up.  He said, "I'll get a paper towel".  I asked him to get the towel that was hanging on the stove.  He walked to the stove but couldn't find it.

In this photo, you'll see K looking longingly at the paper towels.  Unable to find the towel on the stove

So I asked him to take a step closer and put out his left hand. (He's pretty good at left and right :)

The left hand went behind the back...he still couldn't find the towel.

I asked him to take a step closer, and to put out his left hand.  His left hand stayed behind his back, but he did put out his right hand in a half hearted attempt to trick me.  He still couldn't see the towel.  He asked for a paper towel to clean up the mess.

I carefully described the towel, white, with a goose on it, green stripes, red outline.... he couldn't see it.... he still needed a paper towel... (do you love that you can see him looking at it here?)

The left hand was starting to sneak out in this photo...after he touched it, he could find it.  He was a little disappointed though, no paper towel needed.

This stuff cracks me up.  You will be impressed to know that I didn't laugh outloud.  You should also be very impressed that I thought to grab my phone and take these pics.  Or else you wouldn't believe that for over 60 seconds K stood inches away from a towel that he couldn't see.

All for the love of paper towels.

Oh ya....and today he asked to use the hand dryer at church.  (Just to keep me guessing :)

An update from the country

There is a hard and fast rule about kids in care, and the rule is....no two placements will ever be the same.  There isn't a step by step order that things will take.  Each story unfolds differently. K's is unfolding quickly, and I feel like we are in the last chapters of our story with him.  

One of the options for kids who can't be cared for by their parents is to go into a 'kin' placement. A placement with a family member.  That is what the CAS is considering for K.

So in two weeks the CAS will present the idea to a judge, and the judge will most likely agree with the plan.  It's very likely K will be leaving our home in the next little bit.

It's a big deal for a little kid to move, and normally I'd do a lot of prep work with them to be sure they were ready to go.  

But this move is a little different, because there is a chance that not everything will be in place, or the judge will see something he wants added to the plan, and K could stay with us for a little longer.

Whenever I talk to K about it, I have to talk about it two ways.  You might or might not be moving in two weeks.  I don't want to build up his hopes for something that isn't 100%, but I also don't want to say good-bye in an hour.  (If the judge agrees with the kin placement, K could move the same afternoon).

My plan is to work on a 'life book' (which is an expectation if you're a foster parent) and have it ready to go with him if he moves.  Something with pictures of his time with us, and a little note from everyone to say goodbye.  Then if we don't the time for good closure, he'll have something to look at that says good-bye.

And then we just enjoy each little moment with him until then.  We knew for sure that K would only be with us for a while when he came, but this is faster turnaround than normal.  And to be honest, it has been easy to thoroughly enjoy to having him here with us, and that rarely happens.  

Sure there are moments of joy in every placement, but sometimes they are far and few between.  This time they hit us right between the eyes.   This time the difficult part will be the goodbye.  

A great chance to practice patience

Some parts of being a foster parent are easy.  Some parts are not as easy.

Being kind to biological parents can be one of the tough parts.  

These are the things I remind myself....

I had no control over what family I was born into.  If I had started life from a different position who knows where I'd be today.  

If someone else was watching my kids, I'd want them to be nice to me.

I want my interactions with people to be a good witness of what Jesus is like.

At some point in my life someone I love will probably have interactions with the CAS, and I want the people who deal with them to be kind.

This is what makes it hard....

Some people are hard to be nice too. 

Sometimes when someone is telling you something that you know is bull crap it's hard not to be all Dr. Phil.

When other people don't have good boundaries (like about how often to call etc) it's easy to get grumpy.

My solution?

Only answer the phone once a day.  

Only talk for 5 minutes and then make up a great reason to have to go.  

Remind myself that if I want to have contact with K if/when he goes home, that his Mom is my ticket.  

Consider myself lucky to have the opportunity to practice patience.  

Post script :)

K had a great weekend.  He has a lot of fun playing with the kids and Steve, and had lots of time to play the last couple days.

Big news (possibly) and a hearing test

K's worker called today.  It looks like a family member may be in a position to take K by the end of the month.

We won't know until the next court date at the end of November, and once the court date comes, he'll either move within a couple days, or he'll be with us for for another 3 months.

I'm really happy for him, it's way better for a kid to be raised in their family...and I'm sad for us, we've really enjoyed having him here.  It's good 'how not to wish for selfish things' practice.  We knew K would only be here for a 'short term' placement, but this could be shorter than most.  Either way, we have at least a couple more weeks.

I took K for a hearing test today.  Taking little kids for a hearing test is always entertaining and today was no different.  His hearing is fine :)

That sleep eating guy...

Yes the title is correct.

We once had a call to do relief for a weekend.  It was Friday at about 2, and the worker on the phone said she was desperate. (that's one way to make a girl feel special...only call when you're desperate).  We weren't on the relief list, but she called on the off chance that we'd say yes.  There was a 13 year old boy, who'd broken down his current foster placement....that's code for his current foster family insisted he be moved out today.... they gave a brief description of what had happened in his current home and let us know he had ADD and ODD.

I've learned a few things in my years of being a foster parent.  One thing is, be really clear about your expectations before you take an emergency weekend relief placement.  Especially clear about when and where on Monday you'll be dropping him off.

Sometimes if you're not careful a weekend emergency can stretch out much longer than a weekend.

Anyway, I got a name of a worker who would meet me Monday morning, so I said yes...he could stay with us for the weekend.  I mean, how bad could it be, he's just a kid right?

As he was being dropped off his worker mentioned that he had some sleep walking issues.  She failed to mention he had sleep eating issues.  Yup, when we woke up Saturday morning, there were open boxes of crackers on the counter, opened tupperware containers in the fridge, all sorts of food trash in his bedroom, and the piece de la resistance?  Steve's special birthday cake had been half eaten, the dirty plate was in the bedroom under the bed.  And the kid appeared to have no recollection how any of it happened.

What are you supposed to do?  It's not like we could ground him from eating all day, or make him pay for the groceries he'd ruined.  If he really was sleep eating the only option was to lock up whatever we could on Saturday night.  So we did.

Lots of kids have all sorts of diagnosis' and letters attached to their names.  I think this might be one of the most genuine cases of ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) I've ever seen.  We'd noticed almost immediately that if we told him to do something, he wouldn't.  `And figured out very quickly to give him a few options, all of which we could live with, and let him choose. (What would you like to do....have a shower now, have a shower after dinner or have a bath after dinner).  Somehow, we got him to church with us on Sunday morning.  Best part of the day?  Every one was standing to sing, except this guy, but I didn't care, we'd made it to church and we were mostly clean.  Once the singing was done the pastor announced, 'You may now be seated'.  Everybody sat, except our weekend visitor, he stood up as quick as he could, and remained standing for quite some time.  He was truly opposite man.  There are times when it is very nice that everyone around you knows you're a foster parent.

Monday morning rolled around, we'd made it, with backwards asking and depleted cupboards, but we'd made it.  I called the CAS to confirm I was on my way in.  They asked if I'd be able to keep him for a couple more days while they figured out his group home placement.  I said no, and dropped him off at 9:30 like we'd planned on Friday....then I went grocery shopping on my way home.

We're doing good :)

K is doing great.

He talks about his Mom just about everyday.  He really misses her.  Being away from your Mom must stink.  Especially when your four and you don't have a clue about what is happening.  We do our best to explain what foster care is to him, but he's four, and my guess is it makes no sense.

Despite that, he is a happy guy.  I thought about it today, and his little temper tantrums have just about stopped.  He is expressing his opinion, and gets mad and loud a few times a day, but it's a more 'normal' kind of behavior.

A quick story..............
The other day I asked K if he wanted to drive Will to work with me, or if he wanted to stay home.  He was thinking about it, and taking his sweet time answering, so I asked again, "Do you want to drive Will to work, or stay home?".  He said, "I'd like to drive Will to work, but which way do I turn?".

K has added some sunshine into our home.  He's giggly and silly, and some things are just more fun with a little guy around.  Steve, Nathan and K made an angry bird pumpkin....carving pumpkins is more fun when someone is squealing about squishy seeds.

So, we move ahead day by day, loving a little guy who will only be with us for a while.  Investing in someone who will most likely only have a fuzzy recollection of living with us.

K will either go home and live with his Mom, or he'll become a 'crown ward' and the CAS will look for a permanent home for him.  Those decisions have nothing to do with me.  How that plays out depends on his Mom, and it depends on the CAS, and it depends on a judge.  We aren't a long term option for K as we're already adopting, but we are his 'now'.

My job is the same regardless of the outcome.  To make sure that he feels as safe as possible, to help him make sense of his feelings and what's going on, to make sure he doesn't think this is his fault.  And to give him a hug and sing him a lullaby every night on his way to bed.

Pop Pop

A foster family will inevitably teach a foster child many new things.  Not everything K has learned at our house has been, shall we say, typical.  His response to a fart this week is usually...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmhcpbAYrYk

Yes, hand actions and face included.

Please Jesus don't let a social worker fart in front of K, and if they do, and if he says "pop pop", please let him forget who taught him to say it.

FYI...it wasn't me :)


Post script...K asked for seconds of carrot sticks at supper tonight.  Mr I don't eat vegetables, Mr I gag when my a vegetable is on my fork, that kid, he ate seconds of carrots at dinner.  (Yes, we are still singing at most meals :)

Crazy Haircuts and Eye Patches

Lots of kids struggle with getting their hair cut.  I get that.  My Nathan struggled with hair cuts until about a year ago.

K has been asking me to cut his hair so he can look like Steve.  I checked with his mom today and she said it was fine for him to have a haircut, but that he hated clippers.

So I decided to try and cut K's hair tonight.  He insisted that I use clippers, like I did when I cut Steve's hair.

The poor kid went into sensory overload. OVERLOAD!! He was hyperventilating, crying, hollering, wiggling.  I offered to use scissors, he did not want scissors and went into a full panic when I suggested it.  I offered to quit, but it was the weirdest thing, he wanted his hair cut even though it appeared to be torture for him.

At times the haircut took up to three people.  One to hold his ears (so I couldn't accidentally cut them...he might be on to something), one to hug him, and one to do the clipping.  Once I tried having William hold the clippers next to his head so I could sneak a few scissor snips in...it didn't work. He figured it out and wasn't pleased.

There was hair everywhere.  In his mouth, up his nose, down his back.  I was covered head to toe, Steve was covered head to toe, William was covered knee to toe.

I really only got about half a hair cut done.  Zero tidy up work, and nothing to speak of on the top of his head.  As you'll see in the photo, the top of his head wasn't really accessible.

So off he goes to school with half a hair cut, and a note to explain that we're doing his hair cut in stages.

We also had an optometrist appointment today and came home with a little deja vous :)

Eye patches.  

The Power of a Song

We've been pooping up a storm here at the Richardsons.  Many things have contributed to this success, more fruit, veggie + fibre juice, regular warm baths and perhaps our most powerful tool....this magical song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxS2EAmE9NM 

It's only 45 seconds, and worth the flashback to 1980 if you watch it.  Now imagine Steve singing it.  A lot.

K so enjoys someone singing for him that he's asking for songs for just about everything.  So tonight, when he put up a fuss that we asked him to eat some cucumbers, Steve offered to sing him a cucumber song for every bite he took.  He ate one whole slice of cucumber, one bite, and one song at a time.

There are no amusing links for a cucumber song, because, as you've probably guessed, Steve had to do a little improv.  Steve currently has a song for carrots in production.  I can't wait to hear it.

Best thing he said all week?  When my sister was over for dinner yesterday, K looked at her hair, and asked her, "Why is your hair so 'Wowee wow?"  Quite a clever little man.

Our most EPIC first day ever

In 1998 (or so), we got a call about placing a set of twins in our house.  It was a boy and a girl who were 10 years old.  They were currently living with their Mom, and the worker that had been involved in their family was picking the kids up at school, and placing them in foster care.  We said we'd take them.  

Our kids were 8, 6 and 3, and we had 2 brothers already living with us.  The brothers were 9 and 11.   

The worker brought them to the house around 3, gave us the information they had, and left by 330.  I had to head out to a horse auction that night, so I left Steve at the helm of our new crazy household.  

It was pre-cell phone days, so at 8 or so I called Steve from a cell phone to ask how things were going.  One of the best all time answers, "Well, I called the police".

After I left Steve started making dinner.  The twins were in one of downstairs bedrooms.  After about 15 minutes Steve went down to check on them.  They weren't in the bedroom, or the basement...or anywhere.  He went back to double check the bedroom and noticed the window was open.  It quickly became obvious they had climbed out of the window.

So Steve ran outside to see if the twins were in the yard.  They weren't.  He can't remember the details of how he went to look for the kids, whether he called a neighbor to watch the houseful of kids, or whether he packed all the kids in the van, but somehow he got out and looked up and down our driveway (our 1 km long driveway). The twins were no where to be found.  

So he called the after hours worker, who told him to call the police.  He did.  He gave a description of the kids.  This was the description...two kids, a boy and girl, twins, ten years old.  They had identical hairdos, sort of curly, but mostly just sticking straight off their head.  (Think of a cross between Mowgli from the Jungle Book and Buckwheat from the Little Rascals).  The boy was wearing a coat that was about 4 sizes too big.  They both had a lisp.  Thank the Lord the worker left some paperwork or Steve wouldn't have known their last name.    

At about 730 the police called back to say they's found the twins, they'd gone back to their moms.  They brought the twins back to house.  When they got here they filled in the details about how they got home.  

They crawled out of the window, and to avoid being seen they went through the swamp between the house and the highway.  They went through belly deep freezing cold water in October.  Then they walked up the highway towards Brantford.  A four lane busy highway.  About 500 meters up the highway they knocked on someone's door and asked for a ride home.  Two little kids who were soaking wet and didn't have a good reason for why they were so far from home.  Someone drove them 15 kms into Brantford.    

Thankfully their Mom called the CAS to let the after hours worker know that the kids had shown up at the house.  And they were safely returned to our house.  

And so ends the tale of the most EPIC first night of a placement in our house.

Double Yay

It's been a quiet couple days.  In the land of foster parenting that is a small miracle.  I love small miracles!

We were in Toronto on Monday and Tuesday.  We took a mini family vacation. We asked to take K along with us, but he wasn't allowed to miss a scheduled visit with his mom.  So the poor kid missed a day at the zoo.

We got him out the door for school on Monday and Rachel (who's living with us at the moment) watched him Monday night.  He was as happy as a peach when we got home Tuesday night around dinner time.

The last few nights K has asked for a sleepy song on his way to bed.  I don't know what song he's looking for.  I've been singing him one of my kids favorites, but I don't think it's the right one.  I'll have to ask his Mom at the next visit if he has a usual lullaby.

This wee man has had a hilarious vocabulary the last few days.  The list (that I can remember) of words that he has used, in context and without any prompting?
Fabulous
Buttercup
Fantastic
Marvelous
Double Yay
Stupendous

Honestly.  So funny.

I can't overstate how nice it is to have a little guy around who is fun and easy to live with.  I think I'll have to dredge a few stories out of the foster family archives to keep this interesting.  Stay tuned for tales that have reached legend status in the Richardson household  :)

Food Issues

There is one thing I assume when a new foster kid moves in.

There's probably going to be an issue with food.  They might eat too much, or eat too little, or hoard food, or sneak it out of the garbage can at night. 

So we weren't shocked on day one when we gave K a banana and he carried it around for two hours.  He wouldn't let us throw it out, but he wouldn't eat it either.  Thank God for a petting farm, it was a big enough distraction that we could toss it.

It only took the weekend to figured out his thing is not eating, unless it's a favorite (and the list is short).   

I've been making an effort not to draw battle lines over what he eats, it's not worth it in these early days.  But I've also been balancing that with the concept that kids need boundaries, they need an adult to be in charge, and there are some issues that a 4 year old just shouldn't self pilot....and of course there is the whole poop issue.

Enter the bologna dilemma.  

K seems to like bologna.  We don't usually have it in the house (I don't think it's actually food) but he asked for it, and it's a good "meet you in the middle" food.  He happily ate it a few times last week.  

This morning he ate about 1/2 a cup of Sugar Crisp (don't judge, we're trying to diversify into the world of cereal here).  At noon I gave him a small dinner bun with bologna and cheese on it.  He didn't want to eat it.  He rolled the bun into tiny bits and stuck the cheese to his cup.  I'm not sure he really likes bread or cheese, so I threw it out but asked that he eat his bologna.  

He dug his heels in.  He was not eating it.  He rolled it into tiny little bits, and let it bake in the sun. 

So, I decided to do part one of "the food issue" mountain today.  I knew he was probably hungry, I knew that he likes bologna, it was only 1/2 a piece and I have all day.  I checked out my motives (it wasn't about a power struggle, I want him to be healthy and poop regularly), figured this was as good a time as any to let him learn that he is not in total control of what is served and when, and gave him a fresh 1/2 piece of bologna.

K paraded out all of what must be his usual "this'll get me what I want" tricks. We did tears, logical (bologna is yucky) and illogical (it's too red) arguments, gagging, yelling.  Every trick he had.  I just smiled at him and asked him to eat the bologna.  

I wondered more than once if it was worth it, but he needs to eat more than just yogurt and scrambled eggs right?  And it's a food he likes and he's hungry right?  There is value in learning to eat when it's time to eat, it happens every day in school right?  (Oh yes...that is self doubt....)

Anyway, he had to eat it before he could have a cookie, and he had to eat it before he could go outside and play with the boys.  It took over an hour, but in the end, he ate it.   

The whole time I was worried that I might be damaging the trust we've built up this week.  That it wasn't worth it because he would feel unloved.  It's a careful balance that doesn't have the same common denominators as you have with your own family.  I hope that deep within my kids bones they have the, "I'll always be here for you", "You can trust me", "I love you", soundtrack playing.  But foster kids don't have that history with me.  At the moment I'm just a stranger making him eat bologna.  

About 10 minutes after he left the table, K brought me in a flower he'd picked for me outside.  Later he sat happily down at the table for dinner.  He didn't eat much, but I wasn't doing another chapter in "the food issue" today.  He would have liked to have dessert, but managed to live with the "no dinner, no dessert" rule.  

I think we'll be alright.  And maybe, just maybe in a few months this post will seem like a life time ago.

Oh...of course...

Figuring out all the details, big and little, when you get a new foster kid is always a journey.

Some things are easy to figure out, and some things aren't.  Some things you get information about, and some things you guess.  Some things are really important, and some are incidental.  And sometimes you use a 4 year old as a source of information.

When we met K, one of the pieces of information we got was that he wore glasses.  When he arrived at the house, his glasses were safe and sound in their case in his backpack.

The worker let me know that they were corrective glasses.  (I'm going to be mature and not make any of the very obvious statements I could make here.)  She didn't know when he needed to wear them.  So I asked K.  He let me know they were only for school.

To double check, I put the glasses on him and he treated them like reading glasses.  Looking over them, perching them low on his nose...you get the picture.

So, I put the glasses away for the weekend, and by some miracle remembered to get them in his school bag on Tuesday.  The first person we saw when we got to school was the secretary.  Right after saying hello to K, she asked where his glasses were.  It was with a slightly smug feeling of pride that I let her know they were in his backpack.  I got a little bit of a sideways glance, but it didn't really register.

Next up, his teacher.  Hello to K, hello to me and ...."Where are K's glasses?".  Being every so socially perceptive, I started to see a pattern.  Apparently he should be wearing the glasses.

Turns out he needs to wear them all the time.  Every day.  He went the whole weekend, the fair and family visits, without seeing a lot of what we thought he was seeing.  (perhaps that's why he got bored at the derby?)

FYI....I didn't admit to the teacher that I got my information about the glasses from a 4 year old.  And thankfully this wasn't a make or break issue.

And now he has his glasses on every morning when I drop him off for school.  

Doctors Appointment

I took K to the doctors for his initial medical today.  It was a routine medical, and he did great.  At the end of the visit, the doctor asked if there was anything else.  K's response?  "Just the bill."

He had another visit today, but he had a much harder time saying good-bye to his Mom.  Lots of tears.  Even though he is settling in nicely with us, this is so far from ideal for a little guy.  When there aren't any off the wall behaviors it's easy to forget the trauma that goes along with being put in foster care.

By the time he got back home, he seemed to be back in a happy place.  

It has been a big week for the little guy.  We just met him seven days ago, and now we'll always be a part of his story. And he'll always be a part of ours. 

Seven Day Visit

Within seven days of a child moving into your home, there is (mandated by law) a follow up visit with the worker.  Ours was today.

The worker picked K up from school, and chatted with him on the way home.  After such a crazy weekend all he had to say was that he saw cars racing at the fair and that he ate turkey.  Thankfully our over the top, visit till you drop weekend didn't seem to traumatize him.

The worker and I did some grown up chatting and then something wonderful happened.....K asked the worker to peel his banana, and when she started to peel it, he did his yelling/crying thing, "I don't want you to peel my banana, I can do it myself!"  Why so wonderful?  Because it can be very difficult to explain to a worker what a particular behaviour looks like.  And somehow, as if by some magic, most kids don't show their 'stuff' to workers.  So when you are lucky enough for the worker to see it, it's a good day.

We're settling into a nice routine.  A nice bubble bath, hopefully a poop, some peek a boo, and off to bed.

Honestly, this is one of the easiest foster kids we've ever had.  I'm not complaining.  Not one bit :)

First day of school...with us anyway

There are different sorts of ways a kid can come into foster care.  When a child is apprehended, there is a little more uncertainty of what the short term plan for the child will be. So, to make things a little less chaotic for the child, foster parents are asked to maintain their current school placement for at least thirty days while the dust settles.  That means driving this guy to school for the next month.

The first day of taking a kid to their school is always a little weird when you’re the “new kid” on the block, but this morning went great.  We got ready and went out the door without a fuss.  And drop off was pretty easy too.  This man was happy to see his teacher, and she was happy to see him.

About 1 o'clock the worker called to let me know he'd have a supervised visit with his Mom from 2 - 4 today.  Visits will be twice a week after school.

Mom wanted to meet us, can't say I blame her, so Steve chatted with her after the visit.  We got a chance to ask what foods he liked etc.  She sent him home with a couple of his favourite toys.

I used to find biological parents intimidating, but I don't any more.  We've fostered for 18 years now, and had a lot of little people live with us over that time, and I can only recall 2 parents that we didn't have a good working relationship with.

We had a couple mini-melt downs during dinner but no big deal.  (ie: asking to be excused from the table, we say yes, he gets up and then hollars, "I want to sit at the table")   This little man is so good I may have to cease blogging....there isn't enough to write about :)

We had our first quiet evening tonight, and we spent it playing board games and drawing on pumpkins.

First weekend under our belt...

I know you were holding your breath waiting to see how the whole poop thing would work out.  It worked out :) The day started with a poop.

Breakfast was uneventful.  Then this little man went out to jump on the trampoline.  I was peeling apples for a pie and watching him jump through the window. (while you're reading this next part please remember I was not through my first coffee yet)

He bent over to look at his car, and then stared at it for a long time.  Then he ran to the door and lost it.

I thought this would be a good moment to teach him how to open the door (see coffee comment above).  He wasn't exactly responding well, then I figured out he was saying, "I pooped in my pants".  Yes, all the holding still and staring was really just round 2 of pooping (see coffee comment above).

I've got to be honest, I wasn't that worried about it.  I was just kind of glad he pooped.  I scooped him up and carried him upstairs to the toilet.  This didn't help his state of mind.  He went from a medium temper tantrum to an almost big temper tantrum.

I told him he wasn't in trouble, but that the rest of the day he'd need to do his poops on the toilet.  He was mad I made him sit on the toilet. He was mad that he needed to have a bath. He was even mad there was poop in his pants. I ignored him, and washed him up.  When he was over his fit, I talked to him about pooping on the toilet, and told him that if he pooped in his pants again he'd have to wear a pull up.  (I'm not sure if that was over the top or not, but he is four, and it wasn't like we were rushing around, I think he might just have an aversion to sitting on the toilet)

He looked at me and said, "It's a choice". I wasn't sure what he was talking about, so I asked him, what was a choice.  Cute smiled answer, "Wearing a pull up.  It's a choice."

How can you argue with that.

The rest of the day was great.  We had about 40 people here for dinner and he managed quite nicely.  Well done little guy, well done.

Day 3 - A few bottom issues

Our little man woke up in a good mood again this morning.  He played happily until we asked him if he wanted breakfast.  Then he did this little 1 second melt down thing.  He screams 'no', kind of cries and panics, and then may or may not do what you say.  So far he's been easy to redirect, but it's momentarily dramatic.  We saw about 10 of these today.

Breakfast was eaten, and then a bath was on the schedule to wash away the fair grime from yesterday.  Half way through the bath he asked to sit on the toilet to poop.  Seemed normal, warm water helped lots of my kids go to the bathroom.

Then the poor guy had a melt down.  A few quotes from the moment..."Help me, it's stuck", "Get the poop out", and my 'favorite', "it's stuck in the hole and it won't come out!"

And this is when it sucks not to have a clue about what is "regular" for a kid.

Does he normally struggle with being constipated or is this because of the stress of coming into foster care.  If it's normal what does his Mom do for him?  If it's not normal how can I deal with it in a way that isn't traumatizing?  How do I get him to stop screaming?  (I suggested returning to the tub and it worked)

So because it's a weekend and I can't connect with his worker, I'm going to go for the least intrusive solution for now.  We seriously cut back on the bananas, and pushed grapes all day.  And I'm going to sneak a suppository in tonight. (I hope that's as easy as it sounds)  That's the best I've got for now.  If that doesn't have the desired 'results', I'll give him a child sized dose of laxative tomorrow night.

Then we headed off to Steve's parents where he was perfectly delightful all day.

Funniest part of the day?  We went to a little park just around the corner, twice I looked over and he was standing there with his pants around his ankles.  Butt to the wind in the middle of the park.  I asked if he needed to pee, he responded with the 1 second melt down, said no, and I pulled his pants up for him.

Here's hoping for another good day tomorrow.  And a little (or big) poop.

Day 2 - A day at the fair

Day 2 -A day at the fair

I'm not sure how it happened, but this little man had an amazing day today.  He slept in past 8, woke up in a good mood, and acted like he's lived here for a lot longer than 17 hours.

A fair day for any four year old is tricky...how many treats will I get, how many rides can I go on, how long do I have to sit here and wait for the demolition derby to start...let alone a four year old who's just met you.

I questioned my judgement at taking him to the fair at all, but it's a big deal to the rest of the kids and I didn't want to ding their weekend by missing out on one of our major family traditions.

So off we went.  And then he had a great day.  Just a couple very minor melt downs, that we easily worked around, but besides that I'm still in a bit of shock that we not only managed the day, but that it was fabulous.

Day 1 was Nathan's day to shine, playing cars and keeping the little guy happily distracted.  Today was William's, and he helped out lots with hand holding and little guy corralling.  Seeing your kids help love a foster kid is really a blessing.  It's a small affirmation that we've done something right along the way.

I figured out he'll happily eat a hot dog and fries, and now at least have one meal in my bag of tricks if he doesn't eat much for a couple meals. 

One hilarious moment of the day?  He threw his empty drink box a few rows forward in the bleachers.  I'm not sure if it hit the guy in the head, but it did hit him. Thankfully it was empty...and thankfully the kind man didn't get upset.

I love that he refers to our house as "the country".

Kids are so resilient, he's had a crazy two days, and months leading up to his being taken into care, but he just did a whole day with smiles and cuddles.  It actually makes me sad is that he is okay with it.  What journey has this guy had that this isn't throwing him for a huge loop?  

Don't worry, by 18 years of being a foster parent haven't left me delusional, I know we won't be all sunshine and lollipops in this journey....but I'm glad the first two days have been.  

Day 1 - We have a four year old boy who needs a placement

I’ve been asked many times about what it is like to be a foster parent.  I thought I’d share this journey with you so you can have a front seat view.

Yesterday we got a call at 11 to see if we’d like to take a placement.  A four year old boy who was being apprehended that afternoon.  We were happy to say yes, and he was brought to the house at 3.

He settled in and was playing happily with Nathan in about 5 minutes.   That’s maybe the weirdest part of this day.  A little boy was taken out of his home by two police officers and three social workers, said good-bye to his Mom and settled in in a moment.  I was waiting for the storm.

He didn’t eat much dinner, and what he did eat didn’t get to his mouth with a fork. 

We needed to go shopping because he only had a toothbrush, a few toys and a backpack.  He has lots of stuff at his Mom’s house, but she was understandably flustered by the whole situation and didn’t get anything packed for him.  I was worried about going shopping with him, but it needed to be done. 

I asked Felicia and Sarah to come with me just in case things got ugly at the store.  While we were waiting to leave he got quiet, and I asked, “What are you thinking about?”, heartbreaking answer, “I’m thinking that I miss my Mom”.  All I had for the sweet little guy was a kiss and hug, but for the moment it seemed to do the trick. 

He was a rock star at Walmart.  The only very small glitch, refusing to get out of the cart to see if the pants were the right length.  I can live with that.  He was laughing his head off playing peek-a-boo.  Other shoppers commented on his gorgeous laugh.

He didn’t go to the bathroom all day. 

Bedtime was the next big test of the day.  Again he was a rock star.  He quickly settled in and fell asleep….and stayed asleep until 8. 

So far so good.  It is commonly referred to as a “honey-moon” period.  But we’ve had lots of kids that didn’t bother with the honey-moon and jumped right in to WHAT HAVE WE DONE phase!!

So we’re heading into Thanksgiving, one of our busiest weekends of the year with a four year old who’s known us less than 24 hours.   Pray for us :)